Free · about ten minutes
Mini Anger Course
Take the time to listen to your anger and try to understand what has triggered it.
Anger is not the enemy. Anger is not negative. Anger exists to protect us from threats to our physical, emotional or intellectual wellbeing. But anger is complex. Sometimes it steps in when it’s not needed.
By writer Sarah Trueman and psychotherapist Sara Godoli, authors of Anger the Ancient Warrior (JKP, 2020).
Idea one · Anger is on your side
Anger is an early warning system, not a character flaw.
Anger is an emotionally intelligent alarm. It makes us aware of possible threats to our physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual wellbeing. It’s the force that jumps in to protect us.
It arrives fast, before our brain even registers what’s happening. That is not a design fault. That is what an alarm is for.
Telling someone not to feel angry would be like telling them not to feel sad.
Idea one · How anger can help you
Seven jobs that anger is doing.
Tap any that surprise you. Most people have never been told anger does any of these things.
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Idea one · The catch
Sometimes the alarm is over-sensitive.
Anger can be triggered by perceived rather than real threats. A careless word, a distracted glance, a text left unanswered — and anger has already rushed in to protect you, before you have had a chance to check the facts.
Consider these ordinary moments where your anger alarm was triggered. Maybe something else was happening. Was your anger alarm being oversensitive?
Your fourteen-year-old reads your message and doesn’t reply.
Your anger alarm goes offI don’t matter to them.
- They read it in a corridor and the next lesson started.
- They meant to reply after football and forgot.
- They are fourteen.
Your partner glances up and says, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Your anger alarm goes offThey are criticising me. Again.
- They are self-conscious and worried that you’ll look too smart for the occasion.
- They are anxious about being late and it came out sideways.
- They were hoping you’d wear the shirt they gave you.
Your six-year-old has been asked four times to put their shoes on.
Your anger alarm goes offWhy do they always do this to me?
- They are six, and two minutes means nothing to them.
- They are deep in something and haven’t heard it as an instruction.
- They don’t want to go to school today.
Sometimes we check the facts and decide it’s not personal. We may still need to talk to our fourteen-year-old. But anger is not the right response. And sometimes the threat is real, and anger is exactly the right response. Often our anger is not about the situation we are facing. Often our anger has deeper roots.
Idea two · Two kinds of anger
Clear-sighted, or distorted?
The distinction between these two types of anger lies at the heart of everything we teach.
Clear-sighted
A force for positive change.
- Related to the here and now
- Proportionate to what happened
- Constructive
Distorted
Misplaced — turned inward, or offloaded onto someone else.
- Does not relate to the here and now
- Disproportionate
- Not constructive
Same kitchen, same sink. Clear-sighted anger can say: “it’s not my turn to do the dishes.” Distorted anger launches into a tirade: “you always do this to me, after all I do for you, I can’t believe you.”
When it’s not proportionate to the situation you’re facing, anger is telling you something. In the example of distorted anger, it has stopped being about the dishes. Did anger flare up to distract you from feelings and insecurities that run deep and are rooted in your past?
Distorted anger is misplaced anger. Often it appears to distract us from more painful feelings.
Idea two · Four to sort
Which is which?
Remember to ask yourself: is it about now, is it proportionate, is it constructive.
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That’s it · Two ideas
Two thoughts to take away with you.
Anger is trying to protect us from something. The question we need to ask ourselves is: “What?”
Clear-sighted anger is focused on the here and now, it’s proportionate to the situation, and it’s constructive. Distorted anger is rooted in something from our past.
You will not get this right every time. Nobody does. But you now have two questions to ask yourself after an outburst. Is this threat real? Is my response proportionate to what is happening right now?
The full course is in development. If you would find it useful, tell us — it genuinely shapes what we build next. This introduction is an educational resource and is not a substitute for therapy. If you are struggling, please speak to your GP. © Sara Godoli and Sarah Trueman.